Sold out
8x8 oil on panel, black floater frame
As much as I adore Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, the stop motion animated movie … I have to admit, there was a whole lot of bad parenting in the beginning. First of all, a shiny red nose may have been a treatable condition. Did the Donners even talk to a pediatrician? (or vet?)
Or even if it wasn’t a medical issue, why would Donner and his wife tell their kid he’s worthless unless he can conform to societal norms about their physical appearance?
Yeah, that’s not damaging at all. :-/
Jeez, I almost sound like someone who never got over her mother telling her she should stop dressing like a boy. Ahem.
Sold out
8x8 Oil on Panel, black floater frame
I love this character so much. Like, if he starred in a reality TV show, I would be all-in, and I don’t even like reality TV. But Yukon Cornelius would be great in something like “Ice Road Truckers” or “Alaskan Bush People”. (If you were thinking “Naked and Afraid” or one of its various spin-offs like “Naked and Afraid XL” or “Naked and Afraid of Love”, there is something seriously wrong with you. And we should definitely be friends).
Actually, having said all that … he DID turn the Abominable Snow Monster, a wild creature, into a pet. And Bumbles, surely, must be on the endangered species list. I woudn’t want to see Yukon go full “Tiger King”, open an exotic animal petting zoo, and grow a mullet. That would be a tragic end to a beloved character.
Sold out
8x8 Oil on panel, black floater frame
This one is from the rather odd Rankin and Bass Christmas special “Frosty and Rudolph Christmas in July”. And you’d be forgiven for thinking this one jumped the shark from the title alone. I mean … not only do we have to suspend our disbelief about a talking snowman, but now we have to believe he heads south … in July?!
Let’s just say, it got a little weird. There was a circus involved. But Ethel Merman was in it, so we can forgive the weirdness. She starred as Lilly Loraine, an Annie Oakley type, who was basically a female version of Yukon Cornelius. She likes to shoot her guns in the air every time she needs to make a point and that’s exactly what I’d do, if someone gave me guns. (If I’m being honest, I have been known to do “finger-guns” when I feel I’ve scored a point on my husband). This film wasn’t quite as weird as the lesser known Rankin/Bass film, “Rudolph’s Shiny New Year” that featured a caveman, a whale, and an evil vulture, but still … again ... a little weird.
Still, it was nice to have a sequel for Frosty, where we get to meet his kids, Chilly and Milly. Tho, don’t you hate it when parents of twins give them rhyming names? Ooof. They’re twins. You just raised the chance they’ll be mistaken for each other by 1000%. And according to my statistics textbook from college, that’s a terrible thing to do to twins (I think that’s what it said. I don’t remember much from statistics).
Sold out
Approx 5”x5” Oil on ornament-shaped panel
Have you seen those T-shirts with bigfoot and the text “I want to believe”?
Screw the naysayers, who think there’s no such thing as Big Foot, or Sasquatch, or Himalayan Yetis. If they aren’t real, how do you explain the movie “Harry and the Hendersons”?
You can’t.
Ipso facto, Bumbles exist. (It’s called The Scientific Method. Look it up).
*Mic drop*
Sold out
6x6 oil on panel, black floater frame
This is from the scene in Elf where Will Ferrell confronts the fake santa. He’s saying what we all think about Shopping Mall Santas.
Talk about a terrible job though. Screaming kids. Itchy fake beard. Gobbless these sweaty pretend Santas, having to ask little brats if they’ve been good, and pretending to believe them. Oof.
Remember telling Santa you’ve been really good all year, with your fingers crossed behind your back hoping he won’t remember that time you tied up the neighbor kid and threatened to make him eat the dog poo you had speared on a stick? We’ve all done it.
Sold out
8x10 Oil on linen board, black floater frame
Good thing my mom didn’t wash my mouth out with soap every time I cursed or I’d be burping up more suds than a jacuzzi full of Gwyneth Paltro’s bath bombs to this day. Little kids would be following me around like a bubble blaster, although I could probably earn a few extra bucks if Fran rented me out to wedding parties.
If “A Christmas Story” isn't on your list of movies to watch every year, you need to rethink your holiday choices.
8x8 oil on linen board, black floater frame
smidge /smij/ noun informal a very small amount or part
I think the title says it all.
Many thanks to IG: @secretlifeofnell for allowing me to use their found photo as reference!
10x10 oil on panel, black floater frame
That’s not Steven Tyler, from Aerosmith, but I can see how you may be confused. No… That’s Grandma, listenin’ to Gangsta Rap.
She loves bakin’ cookies and cappin’ fools.
As for myself, I went to a few too many rock concerts in my youth. I’ve got an ear horn on my Amazon wish list. So, if anyone is wondering what to get me for Christmas, now you know.
Many thanks to IG: @tt_flimcollection for allowing me to use their found photo as reference!
6x6 Oil on Panel, Black Floater Frame
This kid hates his haircut and I think we can all relate.
But if you think YOU had the most horrible haircut ever, you’re wrong. It was me, and I blame Dorothy Hamill. My hair was very thick and kinda curly so it would never lay flat. How could the hairdresser not have realized this before she turned me into Carrot Top in the movie Chairman of the Board ( if you’re one of the six people who saw that movie, you’ll know what I mean). When I left, I looked like someone had stuck a large bowl-shaped wig on my head. Right side up, so It was flat on the top and flared out all around. I looked like if you spun me around too fast, I’d take off like one of those propellers on a stick.
The worst part was, my parents would NOT sign a note to the principal, saying I had a brain tumor and needed to take the rest of the year off. (They were so mean).
Needless to say, my social status never recovered.
Actually, I was crying so much, my Dad took a shaver to his head and cut off random sections to make me feel better. It didn’t. Though I recognized it as a kind gesture, I also knew the nerds he worked with wouldn't even notice (he was a structural engineer and literally wore a pocket protector every day). He also wore slacks that were too long to be shorts and too short to be pants. (I may have inherited my fashion sense from my dad, which is to say, I have no fashion sense).
Many thanks to IG: @anonymousphotoproject for allowing me to use their found photo as reference!
6x6 oil on panel, black floater frame
This has literally NEVER happened to me. I’m more likely to scare the shit out of myself if I open my cellphone with the front facing camera on.
Many thanks to IG: @anonymousphotoproject for allowing me to use their found photo as reference!
Sold out
6x6 oil on panel, black floater frame
My mom’s family would always break into song when playing cards and drinking. They mostly sang traditional Scottish songs with Grandpa on his mandolin, Uncle Allen on the harmonica and Grandma playing the spoons. It was a lot more fun than it sounds.
I almost called this one “Have a Wee Deoch an Doris and Give us a Chorus”
There’s an old Scottish song called “A Wee Deoch An' Doris” my grandparents used to sing. The term “deoch-an-doris” translates literally to 'Drink of the door' or providing one last drink before a guest leaves.
In America, it’s called “One for the Road” or “Looking to Get Pulled Over”. :-\
Many thanks to IG: @secretlifeofnell for allowing me to use their photo as a reference!
10x10 oil on panel, black floater frame
Did everyone grow up near a corner store? It seems like there’s always a corner store. How else would you get your Bazooka bubblegum?
Don’t get me started on Bazooka, which was about as chewy as a Chevy Chevette was fast, which is to say, the opposite of chewy.
Although really, Mary Jane candies had to be the worst. What they lacked in chewiness, they made up for in ghastly flavor. They really put the ASS in Molasses.
It was the kind of candy you’d eat if you wanted to remove a tooth filling without going to a dentist.
Damn near child abuse.
Many thanks to IG: @anonymousphotoproject for allowing me to use their found photo as reference!
6x6 oil on panel
Life with a toddler, summed up in one image.
Alternate title: “The Turdler: A toddler who, when they have a poopy diaper, won’t let u change them.”
I once saw a meme that said having toddlers was like “raising a heavily caffeinated chimp allergic to sleep.” So while my husband and I never had children, my guess is, parenting is 90% chasing your kid around and 10% wishing they would just go away.
But what do we know? We recently adopted a six-year-old tiny tyrant we named Izzy, who is fifty percent rat terrier, fifty percent chihuahua and seventy-five percent chicken. (She’s also bad at math). She has terrible separation anxiety, so I’ve now become HER emotional support pet (Where do I need to go to get a certificate for this?)
Her previous owner died and her kids dropped Izzy off at a kill shelter in Kentucky. She can’t hear very well. Can’t see that great, and has a hard time learning new things. It’s like we’ve adopted a tiny me. Poor Fran.
Many thanks to IG: @anonymousphotoproject for allowing me to use their found photo as reference!
I bet these two spent all week practicing their super sweet dance moves, like the mashed potato or the funky chicken …. All while hoping their crush was going to ask them to dance.
And I bet, when they slow danced, they had to remember to “leave room for Jesus!”
Flag on the play! Jesus has no business being in the middle of two middle schoolers slow dancing. (That’s creepy AF) Also, he has better things to do. Like giving people piggyback rides so there’s only one set of footprints in the sand.
Now, go sit in the bleachers and think about what you've done. Y’all are weird.
Let the awkward slow dancing begin!
Many thanks to IG: @dear.fran for allowing me to use their photo as a reference!
6x6 oil on panel, black floater frame
Twenty bucks says his wife wanted him to stop at the last station, and he assured her he knew his car.
Car companies: Design a gauge with an E on it, when your tank is empty.
Men: I can go 20 more miles.
The correct amount of miles you can drive when your gas gauge is on E while on a family road trip, is exactly 2 miles short of the next gas station. I could go on and on about this, but I hope you've all learned your lesson, Fran.
Many thanks to IG: @anonymousphotoproject for allowing me to use their photo as a reference!
6x6 oil on cradled panel, black floater frame
When I was a kid, we didn’t have any of your fancy battery powered cars or electric bikes. We had car-shaped metal death traps that you powered with your feet. Like friggin’ Fred Flintstone.
Wait … You don’t know who Fred Flintstone is? ZOMG, what are you … a Gen Zer? Get off my feed!™
Sure, you could get to your destination faster and expend far less energy by walking, but walking was for losers.
Also, if you kept your feet up and got your friend, Jimmy Neederhorn*, to push you down a hill, you could get going REALLY fast. Right before you stopped going really fast by turning too quickly and flipping the car over.
Though you only did that once.
(Unless you were Mikey Higgins*, who was a bit of a slow learner).
Ahhh, good times.
*Names have been changed to protect the boneheads.
P.S. Please tell me I’m not the only one doing the cartoon sound effect: “dinky dinky dink” in my head when imagining this boy’s little sneakered feet shuffling along
Many thanks to IG: @anonymousphotoproject for allowing me to use their photo as a reference!
6x6 oil on panel, black floater frame
We didn’t have crowdfunding platforms like gofundme or kickstarter when I was a kid.
We had a lawn mower and a rake.
I’m not a cranky old lady. YOU’RE a cranky old lady.
Okay. I AM a cranky old lady. And I’m embracing it. Currently, my Amazon shopping cart contains a beaded eyeglass chain, rhinestone reading glasses (ala Dame Edna), and some grandma stockings I can roll up to my knees.
I’m ready to start living my best life in pink slippers, a muumuu and no bra, 24/7.
Many thanks to IG: @negative_recovery for allowing me to use their photo as a reference!
Sold out
6x6 oil on panel, black floater frame
Cooking with kids: When you playing in the mud isn’t messy enough for you.
I hate cooking with the white-hot passion of a thousand burning suns.
I am a terrible cook. By which I mean, I am a terrible cook.
I once tried to make a dish with couscous. Do you want to know how to cook the perfect amount of couscous for two people?
Step one: Pour out how much you think you will need.
Step two: Wrong. You now have enough couscous for ten people.
I once burned water. I wish I was joking. I left water boiling on the stove so long, when I came back, the pot was dry and the copper bottom was flaking off.
If anyone would like to take me and my husband out to dinner, we are available any day that ends in a "Y".
Many thanks to IG: @anonymousphotoproject for allowing me to use their photo as a reference!
Sold out
6x6 oil on panel, black floater frame
When I was growing up, if we wanted to read a book, all we needed was, and you’re never going to guess this: A book! We didn’t need a kindle, or a tablet, or an iPad or have to worry about carrying a charging block and cables. A simple book would suffice.
The best thing about reading actual books was that they didn’t have the internet. So when you picked one up, there were no interruptions or distractions … you just read your damn book, and you enjoyed it. You didn’t go wandering off to Facebook or start down a YouTube wormhole of watching unlikely animal friendship videos.
Alright, I’ll come clean. I love reading eBooks on my tablet. But also, to my fellow book lovers, (who I’m sure can relate) here are some questions I’ve been asking myself:
Why do you have more books than you could ever read in your lifetime? You have so many books.
WHY ARE YOU BUYING MORE BOOKS?!
I’m starting to think that buying books is a completely separate hobby from actually reading books.
But also, has anyone got any good book recommendations?
Many thanks to IG: @anonymousphotoproject for allowing me to use their photo as a reference!
6x6 oil on panel, black floater frame
There are hundreds of images and videos online of dads balancing babies on the palms of their hands. (I’d be willing to bet there’s a 65,000 year old cave painting of a neanderthal dad doing this).
Sure, having your kid stand on your hands looks like a neat party trick, but I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say … "WTF?"
This has to be the stupidest effin thing you can do with a toddler… almost, though not quite, as stupid as that time Michael Jackson dangled his kid over a balcony. Y'all need to stop trying to film a segment of jackass with your toddlers.
There are much easier ways to irreparably harm your kids. Like taking pictures of them naked on the toilet that you can bust out 13 years later to show their boyfriend/girlfriend/love interest.
Many thanks to IG: @anonymousphotoproject for allowing me to use their photo as a reference!
6x6 oil on panel, black floater frame
This one was a bit of an experiment. I decided to try using AI (artificial intelligence, for you luddites) to generate an image to use as a reference, because I couldn’t find a vintage photo of a VW Bug to paint.
Apparently, people who drove VW Bugs in the 60’s had more important things to do than take pictures of their cars. Things like, protesting wars, and stickin’ it to the man. Turns out, they were terrible at this, because we STILL have wars and our corporate overlords have now invented artificial intelligence to make workers obsolete. Workers who would otherwise have had jobs and made money to spend on all the shit the corporations want us to buy. (I feel like “the man” hasn’t thought this through).
P.S. My husband has never heard of the awesome, and fun, “slug bug game” (alternatively called “punch buggy”) … can you even believe that? How could he not know this time-honored game?
Then he told me about a game he played called Padiddle, where if you see a car with only one headlight at night, you shout Padiddle, then punch your seatmate. Which is just about the dumbest game I’ve ever heard of. Pffft. Padiddle.
6x6 oil on panel, black floater frame
How people from Florida dress when the temp plummets to 65 degrees.
Conversely, I once visited my grandparents in Scotland, during a “heat wave”. (Again: 65 degrees out). You’d have thought they were standing in an oven … in the middle of Death Valley … in July.
Many thanks to IG: @negative_recovery for allowing me to use their photo as a reference!
Sold out
8x8 oil on panel, black floater frame.
Edina Monsoon (from the British sitcom, Absolutely Fabulous, played by Jennifer Saunders @ferrifrump). Eddie is the kind of friend who never asks questions when you begin the evening by saying, “If anyone asks, here's the story...”
She supports all your bad decisions and she’s always ready with a fresh drink and a prepared alibi.
Also, if you don't have one crazy friend in your tribe ... you are that crazy friend (you weirdo).
Daily Motivation: Be the weirdo your friend group needs.
Sold out
8x8 oil on panel, black floater frame
Patsy Stone (from the British sitcom, Absolutely Fabulous, played by @damejoannalumley).
The best thing about going out with Patsy is, when things go tits up (and they will), you can count on her to be an unreliable witness in court.
Sold out
10x10 Oil on cradled panel, black floater frame
The incomparable Betty White. (Seen here wearing an invisible crown). May she forever rest in peace.
When it comes to New Year's Resolutions, I'm Worried if I Give Up Drinking I'll Replace It With Murdering. (And yes I did see that on a shot glass. And yes I did buy that shot glass.)
#WWBD (What would Betty do?)