6x6 Oil on panel, black floater frame
Before there were iPads and Disney+, we used to have to go outside on snow days.
It’s a wonder we survived.
Many thanks to @ secretlifeofnell for allowing me to use their photo as a reference!
6x6 oil on panel, black floater frame
Not only did my dad teach me to ride a bike … he also taught me how to ride a motorcycle. Which is weird, because, if you knew my dad, you’d know he’s not a big risk taker. I don’t think he’d ever go sky diving, or bungee jumping or wait until April 15th to mail in his tax return.
I’m a lot like my dad.
Many thanks to @negative_recovery_project for allowing me to use their found photo as reference!
6x6 oil on panel, black floater frame
I was in the Brownies, but I absolutely hated having to wear the dress. I still hate wearing dresses. I can’t support an organization that forces every girl to wear a dress! What is this, the Taliban?
I also hated all their cheery optimism. (I don’t do cheery … or optimism).
By the time I was old enough to join the Girl Scouts, I was like, “They can take their stupid badges and merry campfire songs and shove them in their cookie-eating pie-holes.”
Oh, except that I do love their cookies. Like Michael Corleone in The God Father: “Just when you think you’re out, they draw you back in with their caramel delights!” Or that’s what he would have said if he was the reluctant leader of a cookie crime syndicate run by a bunch of annoying pre-teen girls.
Many thanks to @anonymousphotoproject for allowing me to use their photo as a reference!
6x6 Oil on panel, black floater frame.
How does that saying go again ... Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll spend all his money on bait, boats, and beer.
(I’m paraphrasing).
Many thanks to @negative_recovery_project for allowing me to use their photo as a reference!
6x6 Oil on Panel, black floater frame
Always be closing was a line from the movie Glengarry Glen Ross and it reminded me of our neighbor across the street, who was in sales. I don’t know who he worked for, but he always seemed to have a deal on whatever it was you needed. Looking for a new pair of Adidas sneakers? He could get ‘em half off. They had four stripes, instead of the usual three, but according to my mom, no one at school would even notice and they’d look great with my Gloria Vanderbolt jeans.
Many thanks to @negative_recovery_project for allowing me to use their photo as a reference!
10x10 oil on panel
Surely, rum was involved.
The original photo was black and white, but she looked like she needed some color. :)
Many thanks to @houseofmirthphotos for allowing me to use their photo as a reference
8x8 oil on linen board, black floater frame
smidge /smij/ noun informal a very small amount or part
I think the title says it all.
Many thanks to IG: @secretlifeofnell for allowing me to use their found photo as reference!
10x10 oil on panel
Quarantine Hair Salon. I mean ... can't let a little global pandemic keep you from getting your hair did.
Many thanks to @dear.fran for allowing me to use their photo as a reference
10x10 oil on panel, black floater frame
$450
Did everyone grow up near a corner store? It seems like there’s always a corner store. How else would you get your Bazooka bubblegum?
Don’t get me started on Bazooka, which was about as chewy as a Chevy Chevette was fast, which is to say, the opposite of chewy.
Although really, Mary Jane candies had to be the worst. What they lacked in chewiness, they made up for in ghastly flavor. They really put the ASS in Molasses.
It was the kind of candy you’d eat if you wanted to remove a tooth filling without going to a dentist.
Damn near child abuse.
Many thanks to IG: @anonymousphotoproject for allowing me to use their found photo as reference!
This painting is currently available at http://www.beaconart.net/ Beacon Art in Stone Harbor, NJ.
6x6 oil on panel
Life with a toddler, summed up in one image.
Alternate title: “The Turdler: A toddler who, when they have a poopy diaper, won’t let u change them.”
I once saw a meme that said having toddlers was like “raising a heavily caffeinated chimp allergic to sleep.” So while my husband and I never had children, my guess is, parenting is 90% chasing your kid around and 10% wishing they would just go away.
But what do we know? We recently adopted a six-year-old tiny tyrant we named Izzy, who is fifty percent rat terrier, fifty percent chihuahua and seventy-five percent chicken. (She’s also bad at math). She has terrible separation anxiety, so I’ve now become HER emotional support pet (Where do I need to go to get a certificate for this?)
Her previous owner died and her kids dropped Izzy off at a kill shelter in Kentucky. She can’t hear very well. Can’t see that great, and has a hard time learning new things. It’s like we’ve adopted a tiny me. Poor Fran.
Many thanks to IG: @anonymousphotoproject for allowing me to use their found photo as reference!
6×6 oil on panel, black floater frame
I bet these two spent all week practicing their super sweet dance moves, like the mashed potato or the funky chicken …. All while hoping their crush was going to ask them to dance.
And I bet, when they slow danced, they had to remember to “leave room for Jesus!”
Flag on the play! Jesus has no business being in the middle of two middle schoolers slow dancing. (That’s creepy AF) Also, he has better things to do. Like giving people piggyback rides so there’s only one set of footprints in the sand.
Now, go sit in the bleachers and think about what you've done. Y’all are weird.
Let the awkward slow dancing begin!
Many thanks to IG: @dear.fran for allowing me to use their photo as a reference!
6x6 oil on panel, black floater frame
Twenty bucks says his wife wanted him to stop at the last station, and he assured her he knew his car.
Car companies: Design a gauge with an E on it, when your tank is empty.
Men: I can go 20 more miles.
The correct amount of miles you can drive when your gas gauge is on E while on a family road trip, is exactly 2 miles short of the next gas station. I could go on and on about this, but I hope you've all learned your lesson, Fran.
Many thanks to IG: @anonymousphotoproject for allowing me to use their photo as a reference!
6x6 oil on cradled panel, black floater frame
When I was a kid, we didn’t have any of your fancy battery powered cars or electric bikes. We had car-shaped metal death traps that you powered with your feet. Like friggin’ Fred Flintstone.
Wait … You don’t know who Fred Flintstone is? ZOMG, what are you … a Gen Zer? Get off my feed!™
Sure, you could get to your destination faster and expend far less energy by walking, but walking was for losers.
Also, if you kept your feet up and got your friend, Jimmy Neederhorn*, to push you down a hill, you could get going REALLY fast. Right before you stopped going really fast by turning too quickly and flipping the car over.
Though you only did that once.
(Unless you were Mikey Higgins*, who was a bit of a slow learner).
Ahhh, good times.
*Names have been changed to protect the boneheads.
P.S. Please tell me I’m not the only one doing the cartoon sound effect: “dinky dinky dink” in my head when imagining this boy’s little sneakered feet shuffling along
Many thanks to IG: @anonymousphotoproject for allowing me to use their photo as a reference!
6x6 oil on panel, black floater frame
We didn’t have crowdfunding platforms like gofundme or kickstarter when I was a kid.
We had a lawn mower and a rake.
I’m not a cranky old lady. YOU’RE a cranky old lady.
Okay. I AM a cranky old lady. And I’m embracing it. Currently, my Amazon shopping cart contains a beaded eyeglass chain, rhinestone reading glasses (ala Dame Edna), and some grandma stockings I can roll up to my knees.
I’m ready to start living my best life in pink slippers, a muumuu and no bra, 24/7.
Many thanks to IG: @negative_recovery for allowing me to use their photo as a reference!
This painting currently available at https://www.sugartownart.com/
6x6 oil on panel, black floater frame
Cooking with kids: When you playing in the mud isn’t messy enough for you.
I hate cooking with the white-hot passion of a thousand burning suns.
I am a terrible cook. By which I mean, I am a terrible cook.
I once tried to make a dish with couscous. Do you want to know how to cook the perfect amount of couscous for two people?
Step one: Pour out how much you think you will need.
Step two: Wrong. You now have enough couscous for ten people.
I once burned water. I wish I was joking. I left water boiling on the stove so long, when I came back, the pot was dry and the copper bottom was flaking off.
If anyone would like to take me and my husband out to dinner, we are available any day that ends in a "Y".
Many thanks to IG: @anonymousphotoproject for allowing me to use their photo as a reference!
6x6 oil on panel, black floater frame
When I was growing up, if we wanted to read a book, all we needed was, and you’re never going to guess this: A book! We didn’t need a kindle, or a tablet, or an iPad or have to worry about carrying a charging block and cables. A simple book would suffice.
The best thing about reading actual books was that they didn’t have the internet. So when you picked one up, there were no interruptions or distractions … you just read your damn book, and you enjoyed it. You didn’t go wandering off to Facebook or start down a YouTube wormhole of watching unlikely animal friendship videos.
Alright, I’ll come clean. I love reading eBooks on my tablet. But also, to my fellow book lovers, (who I’m sure can relate) here are some questions I’ve been asking myself:
Why do you have more books than you could ever read in your lifetime? You have so many books.
WHY ARE YOU BUYING MORE BOOKS?!
I’m starting to think that buying books is a completely separate hobby from actually reading books.
But also, has anyone got any good book recommendations?
Many thanks to IG: @anonymousphotoproject for allowing me to use their photo as a reference!
6x6 oil on panel, black floater frame
There are hundreds of images and videos online of dads balancing babies on the palms of their hands. (I’d be willing to bet there’s a 65,000 year old cave painting of a neanderthal dad doing this).
Sure, having your kid stand on your hands looks like a neat party trick, but I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say … "WTF?"
This has to be the stupidest effin thing you can do with a toddler… almost, though not quite, as stupid as that time Michael Jackson dangled his kid over a balcony. Y'all need to stop trying to film a segment of jackass with your toddlers.
There are much easier ways to irreparably harm your kids. Like taking pictures of them naked on the toilet that you can bust out 13 years later to show their boyfriend/girlfriend/love interest.
Many thanks to IG: @anonymousphotoproject for allowing me to use their photo as a reference!
6x6 oil on panel, black floater frame
How people from Florida dress when the temp plummets to 65 degrees.
Conversely, I once visited my grandparents in Scotland, during a “heat wave”. (Again: 65 degrees out). You’d have thought they were standing in an oven … in the middle of Death Valley … in July.
Many thanks to IG: @negative_recovery for allowing me to use their photo as a reference!
6x6 Oil on panel, black floater frame
Can you even believe this image? It’s a mom letting her baby drink Guinness from a pint glass! Appalling.
Always use sippy cups or the little boozers will spill Guinness everywhere. A waste of good beer.
Someone call social services.
Pro tip: If you need someone to hold the glass while you drink, you may have had one too many.
Many thanks to @anonymousphotoproject for allowing me to use their found photo as reference!
6x6 oil on panel, black floater frame
Many thanks to @secretlifeofnell on Instagram for allowing me to use their photo as a reference.
10x10 oil on panel, black floater frame
Many thanks to @negative_recovery_project on Instagram for allowing me to use their photo as a reference.
6x6 Oil on Panel, Black Floater Frame
In my head, I imagine this lady is in the process of backing up over that a-hole who said women can’t drive.
Many thanks to @secretlifeofnell for allowing me to use their photo as a reference!